Forgiveness: A Somatic Perspective

''Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself.'' - Tony Robbins

When we have been hurt, it can feel impossible to forgive. We may be consumed by anger, resentment, and bitterness. If we do not intentionally seek out ways to heal those wounds, they can fester and cause us lasting pain. However, when done from an embodied perspective—that is, with the body in mind—forgiveness can be a powerful tool for healing. Let’s explore why it’s hard to forgive and how you can use somatic psychology to help you work through the process of forgiving another person.

The Reasons Why It's Hard To Forgive

One of the reasons why it is so difficult to forgive another person is because our bodies remember being hurt or wronged. This phenomenon is known as the incomplete arousal cycle in somatic psychology, which states that when we experience a traumatic event our bodies freeze in response and cannot complete their natural cycle of fight or flight. This means that while physically we may have moved on from the painful event, our minds and bodies are still stuck in the past, unable to fully accept what happened and move forward. So even if we intellectually understand why it is important to forgive someone who has hurt us, emotionally it can feel impossible because our body remembers the pain of being wronged.

The Reasons Why It Is Important To Forgive

Forgiveness can be more than just a way to move on from a traumatic event; it can also be an opportunity for personal growth and transformation. By allowing ourselves to practice forgiveness from an embodied perspective, we open ourselves up to a deeper understanding of ourselves and others that would not otherwise be available without this type of introspection. Additionally, research suggests that those who practice forgiveness tend to report greater overall life satisfaction compared with those who do not engage in such practices (Toussaint et al., 2017). Thus, forgiveness allows us both access to our inner world as well as increased satisfaction with life as a whole.

Exercises To Help You Forgive

There are many exercises that one can do in order to begin the process of forgiving someone who has hurt them. One such exercise is writing letters to the person who has hurt you – either aloud or on paper – addressed directly to those individuals whom you wish you could forgive but don’t yet feel ready or able to do so at this time (Luskin & Luskin-Hakakha 2020). The goal here isn’t necessarily for you to actually to try and force forgiveness, but just to write what you feel, whatever it is that arises. Pay attention to what you are feeling as you write, whether it be anger or sadness, and make note of any physical sensations that may arise. This can help you understand your body’s response to the event and the feelings associated with it, which in turn can inform you about what your body is holding onto and what feels incomplete, unspoken, unrecognized, and unsaid. Allow yourself to feel these emotions and sensations, and keep writing until you feel ready to stop.

Photo credit: Kelly Sikkema @Unsplash

Frequently, there is a desire to jump to forgiveness before we have finished processing all of the other feelings. However, the pathway to forgiveness frequently travels through a bunch of not-very-forgiving feelings: resentment, anger, grief, acceptance, and then finally forgiveness. So, let it all out here in the letter. Allow your body to feel what it is like to let the words be written or spoken and notice what it is like to hear and feel yourself speak them out loud.

And then... and here is the magic part -- let yourself switch. 

Imagine that you are this other person, and now you are hearing all of these words and feelings.

Take a moment to really listen to what it is that has just been said (or written) to you.

And then let yourself provide an answer -- a response, a reflection of what it is like to receive this information from the other person.

Again, notice any physical sensations that arise in your body as you listen and respond to these words.

And finally, switch back to the original role or position. Pretend that you have heard the other person's response and take in what you have just heard.

Based on this experience, how does it feel to be on the other side of the equation?

How do you feel, now that you've been able to hear and understand the other person's experience?

Let your body and mind rest, and let the experience of forgiveness wash over you in waves.

While this may not be an easy process, it can be a powerful way to begin to shift your frame of reference and open yourself up to the possibility of true forgiveness in the future.

If you are ready, and if you truly want to move forward from a place of forgiveness, it is possible. But first, we must make space for all of the other feelings that come with being wronged, and learn to hear ourselves and others when we are in this state. With time and practice, forgiveness is possible for all of us.

This exercise allows us not only space away from any negative emotions associated with holding onto a grudge but also room for self-love which will ultimately help us move closer to finding true peace within ourselves through the forgiveness of others. This is a powerful tool for opening up to the act of forgiving not just others, but also ourselves. It can be challenging at first to shift our perspective and truly understand the other person's experience, but with time and practice, anything is possible. So keep practicing forgiveness today, and let it help you move forward in your life.

Do you want to try this exercise for yourself? If so, give it a try now! And remember that there is no right or wrong way to approach forgiveness. The important thing is just to be kind and compassionate with yourself as you go through this process, whatever that looks like for you. Good luck!

Conclusion

Forgiving someone who has hurt us can feel like an insurmountable task—especially if we try looking at it solely through an intellectual lens instead of taking into account how deeply these experiences affect our mental health and physical well-being as well. Fortunately though there are tools available like somatic psychology which provide frameworks for understanding how trauma impacts us on a physical level as well as practical exercises designed specifically for helping people find their way back towards wholeness after experiencing deep trauma such as betrayal or abuse. Therefore I encourage all my readers who are struggling with unresolved wounds related to other people in their lives – whether intentional or unintentional – to take some time today to reflect upon any unfinished business they may have with certain individuals in their lives before considering moving forward towards practicing forgiveness within themselves first before extending any outwardly towards others around them secondarily!

Photo credit: Marcel Ardivan @Unsplash